Whenever I sit across the table from a strange man at Starbucks and play on my phone, I wonder if people think we’re on a really crappy first date. Or millionth date.

Either way, my 12 year old self is extremely proud that I’m now brave enough to ask questions like, “Is this seat taken?” Or at least she will be when she puts down Jane Eyre/Sweet Valley High and notices.

In the past 24 hours I booked an all-inclusive tropical vacation and purchased a semi-legitimate handbag.

And yet I couldn’t justify spending $7.99 on a bottle of Malbec at Trader Joe’s…had to go for a $3.99 bottle.  But I think your wine is supposed to cost half as much as your cheese…right?

“Whoa…SNL this week is hosted by Daniel Radcliffe with musical guest Lana del Rey. Did you give the universe a handjob?”

…but I love to watch you walk away!

I don’t have any funny resolutions this year. I just want to be slightly more adult and take in a bit more culture. I’m seeing a play tomorrow (not just for the free booze afterward…okay, that helps) and I worked until 8:30 tonight. Then I went a little crazy and read my cook books for an hour, even though I can’t eat anything fun until after I win my office’s Biggest Loser competition.

The saddest part? Realizing I’m the only person in the office that thinks $800 is motivation. Everyone else is just embarrassed to weighed by the HR lady. I have no such qualms about a number on a scale, but what I lack in shame I more than make up for in credit card debt and Pippa handbag lust.

Here’s to 2012! It’s going to be a very medium year.

In ninth grade English, we had to write a creative story about our future career plans.  In it, I became a cardiologist in the UK who saved Prince Charles’ life.  Through doing this, I met and married Prince William and became royalty.

While the med school and meet cute didn’t pan out, my boss did just call me “The Queen of Data Collection.” 

Love,

HRH, The Besmirched Troubadour

JD: This is something my Mom makes…it’s fudge with colored mini marshmallows melted in it.  It’s seriously the best white trash dessert you’ve ever had.
Me: I don’t think I’ve had a dessert that wasn’t white trash…ever dipped Fritos in a can of frosting?