January 2012
7 posts
Whenever I sit across the table from a strange man at Starbucks and play on my phone, I wonder if people think we’re on a really crappy first date. Or millionth date.
Either way, my 12 year old self is extremely proud that I’m now brave enough to ask questions like, “Is this seat taken?” Or at least she will be when she puts down Jane Eyre/Sweet Valley High and notices.
Financial Updates
In the past 24 hours I booked an all-inclusive tropical vacation and purchased a semi-legitimate handbag.
And yet I couldn’t justify spending $7.99 on a bottle of Malbec at Trader Joe’s…had to go for a $3.99 bottle. But I think your wine is supposed to cost half as much as your cheese…right?
Email Of The Week
“Whoa…SNL this week is hosted by Daniel Radcliffe with musical guest Lana del Rey. Did you give the universe a handjob?”
2011...I hate to see you go...
…but I love to watch you walk away!
I don’t have any funny resolutions this year. I just want to be slightly more adult and take in a bit more culture. I’m seeing a play tomorrow (not just for the free booze afterward…okay, that helps) and I worked until 8:30 tonight. Then I went a little crazy and read my cook books for an hour, even though I can’t eat anything...
December 2011
9 posts
In ninth grade English, we had to write a creative story about our future career plans. In it, I became a cardiologist in the UK who saved Prince Charles’ life. Through doing this, I met and married Prince William and became royalty.
While the med school and meet cute didn’t pan out, my boss did just call me “The Queen of Data Collection.”
Love,
HRH, The Besmirched...
My work might as well be recorded in front of a...
JD: This is something my Mom makes…it’s fudge with colored mini marshmallows melted in it. It’s seriously the best white trash dessert you’ve ever had. Me: I don’t think I’ve had a dessert that wasn’t white trash…ever dipped Fritos in a can of frosting?
brooklynguist:
You know exactly what I like, Paste Magazine.
Actual quote from me when Miley turned 18: “Happy 18th Birthday, Miley Cyrus. Don’t break my heart, and I hope to God I never see your boobs.”
Email of the Week
Subject: Something about Nick Jonas (He’s been popping up a lot this week amongst my friends for some reason.)
Body: Also, I believe this is confirmation that Nick’s cherry is popped, running, and ready for business. GO. GO. GO.
Just in case you didn’t know, Hanson made the best Christmas album of all time. How can I be sure? Because even today, 14 years after its release, I hear it in all the cooler stores that I shop at.
And that’s what Christmas means to me, my love.
Email of the Week
Subject: YES - Hanson Beer
Body: nice hair? pretty faces? beers? wordplay? let’s get me outta this skirt.
On Donald Glover
Me: He’s like a Renaissance man: writer, rapper, actor… Kathleen: …funny man… Me: …surprisingly proficient ship in a bottler. Kathleen: What would it be like to be that talented? Me: I can say from experience, it’s exhausting and exhilarating. And then you graduate high school.
November 2011
10 posts
“Donuts before bed…what are you depressed about or celebrating?” - 30 Rock
Happy Thanksgiving Eve!
2009: Fought with boy, boy’s ex, and boy’s ex’s friend. Lost dignity
2010: Got my iPhone wet. Lost $200.
2011: Going to see Breaking Dawn Part 1 with my sister and her boyfriend. Losing street cred.
Three Scorpion Bowls Later...
Practiced a MEAN impression of Zooey Deschanel singing The New Girl theme song
Forwarded a funny email I wrote to a West Coast friend with the note, “JUST IN CASE YOU EVER TAKE ME FOR GRANTED, OTHER PEOPLE THINK I’M AMUSING.”
The Three Muses
Kristin: Did you see that we get $20 to Nordstrom Rack?
Me: Yeah! But where is there a Nordstrom Rack?
Kristin: Framingham…someone would have to drive.
Me: Well, why are you looking at me? You know I don’t know how to drive. Can’t you take Paul’s car?
Kristin: Yeah! Oh, but I can’t drive stick.
JLo: I can drive stick! Oh, but I don’t have a license.
...
I think drinking wine in a Healthworks T-shirt counts as fitness.
I invented a new pizza.
RedRum BBQ chicken and ricotta.
I’m really hoping my local pizzeria starts calling it “The Jenna.”
October 2011
6 posts
Today is actually Halloween and I forgot to wear orange, black or a subtle work costume. I’m sort of disappointed in myself.
But, I did eat Whoppers for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My Halloween Costume: The Hamburgler
Complete with genuine McDonald’s hamburgers. When my friend asked if someone could have one, I quipped, “I’m not the Ham-Robin-Hood. I’m the Hamburgler!”
Robble Robble!
Weird redness on my upper arm. Bed bugs? According to a horrifying Google Image Search, probably not. But also, maybe.
I decided to calm myself by eschewing work in favor of Pinterest. I wanted to pin pictures of places I want to travel to, but after looking through the other travel pins I realized that I’ve been lucky enough to go to REALLY pinable places. Greece, Austria, Costa Rica,...
Thanks, NOLA!
I’m officially changing all my champagne wishes to Sazerac dreams.
“What’ll we do with ourselves this afternoon?” cried Daisy, “and the day after that, and the next thirty years?” - The Great Gatsby
This is how I feel about my blog. No idea what to post. No idea what to share.
August 2011
3 posts
You know what would be really good cover art? Lipstick marks on a apple. Very Adam & Eve. It could be an album about a woman who tricked you and effed up your life. Has this already been done?
You’re either a multicolor Christmas lights kind of person or you’re a white Christmas lights kind of person.
Bits & Baubs
- Between The Week That Shall Not Be Named and misplaced ads for Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark during the RHONY reunion, I’m sleeping an average of 23 minutes a night.
- Wedding rings should be blingier, and thus more noticeable.
- I’m on Spotify, so I’m using it to listen to 50 #1 Hits of the 20’s and 30’s. I’d say it’s a fun mix of past and...
July 2011
3 posts
Beach Reading, c/o my sister
1. Always the Bridesmaid
2. A Bump In The Road: From Happy Hour to Baby Shower. “I think you’ll like this one, she reminds me of you.”
I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
So, Kate Middleton got to go to Prince Edward Island in a McQueen version of the Anne of Green Gables station dress.
I assume whoever marries Harry will make a similar tour, instead channeling Emily of New Moon. You know, smiling slowly and behaving in a generally queer and peculiar way.
As for me, I will soldier on, Pat of Silver Bush style, largely unchanged.
My Drunk Kitchen Moment of the Week:
Using a bottle of wine to roll out pie dough? Smart.
Staining parts of the dough purple with wine dregs? Less Smart.
Did I invent wine pie crust? Am I a mad genius? Cherry pie with a Cabernet crust. Face it - you’re buying.
June 2011
4 posts
My horoscope is listed first in the Metro today.
Another year older and what have you done?
There are ants in my kitchen.
I handled it pretty well, and I’ve already gotten the place sprayed.
I had to step on about 15 of the little creepers last night. And each time, I prefaced my Sandal of Doom with a, “Sorry, buddy.” I felt bad all night.
It’s glaringly clear my parents never let me be desensitized by video games.
The first time I played a first person shooter, I couldn’t stop...
Phrases used to describe me at my 5 year reunion:
sass-mouth
funniest girl in the world
curly-haired beacon in a sea of straightened blonds
Hey - they remembered me!
(I am aware of how narcissistic this entry is, but I’m incredibly tired and my kitchen has ants.)
Songs I Wish Were Around When I Was an Awkward...
(But Are Still Nice To Listen To As an Awkward Adult)
Mean - Taylor Swift
Fuckin’ Perfect - Pink
May 2011
6 posts
The worst part about getting your phone wet is breaking in a new autocorrect/predictive text.
I tried to type “Hahaha” to a friend the other day and it changed it to “Handbags”.
It feels very old-timey. “Heavens to handbags, Joseph! Did you take the pie from the window ledge again?” Or, “Handbags, Juliette! You think fingernails grow on trees?”
I am JUST nervous enough about the rapture to skip the gym tonight and go out for drinks with a friend.
I think that’s the perfect amount of nervous. I don’t need a one-day-more-toned body wherever I might be headed.
A few months ago, I bought some Cover Girl natural lipgloss thing because they made Taylor Swift the spokesperson. I actually saw the display in Walgreens, got excited and called my friend and we went back together to take advantage of the BOGO 50% off deal. (Side note: I have the BEST friends.)
That sadness aside, the color I purchased was terrible. My friend found hers to be smooth and...
March 2011
4 posts
